It's been 1 year,5 months and 21 days.
And I still miss you just as much.
To all those who say time heals wounds - it doesn't.It's a wonderful phrase to say when you have no other words of comfort.But really,it doesn't.Time just distances you from an event and a person.It tries and fades memories and all that you cling to.But it heals no wounds.It just deludes you and fools you into believing otherwise.
I was playing with Odie today.Splashing water,fooling around.Laughing like a kid.I felt so carefree.And when I laughed,it came from within.Not like the hollow laugh that does light my eyes,but not from within.And then there was this really big pain inside when I remembered our last Holi together.It was just like that...throwing water on each other...I didn't cry.Of course I couldnt.Mom was there.I was laughing.And the next moment I was feeling guilty.
I miss you.This life,I feel guilty about it.I can't stop thinking why or how.I can't stop wishing that if it had to be someone,then why not me?I have done nothing to deserve this life.But you were such a precious person.Such a wonderful son,intelligent student,all rounder.A friend everyone envied.A brother I couldnt have asked more from.A terrible singer and those horrible tunes you played.Everyone needs you.No matter how much we try to hide it from others and from our own selves,we need you.
It's completely removed my faith from "God".All those things people say about "God is testing you when he puts you through tough times"...I don't need that.I never wanted a God.Never wanted his help or him to doubt my faith in him.Why test us for that?
I read this book called "Pure Evil" today,written by a mother whose 25 year old son was hacked to death by his girlfriend.She described the pain and agony the family went through during the trials.She said she couldn't describe it and noone would understand it till they themselves had gone through it.A year back,neither would I.When she wrote about her daughter's speech in the memorial service held for her son,I cried.
I just wanted to let you know how much I loved you and appreciated your presence in my life.Regret,remorse is killing me.
And I miss you.
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