if there really exists a god,and if he really does have all the powers he is supposed to have,and if he really is that great as he is supposed to be,then he is terrible and mean.cruel.perverse.sadistic.if he is who he is,then he has no right to make us unhappy.he has no right to take from us what he has given.its almost 7 months.i dont know how,why im still living.god should properly call me to him too,i dont deserve to live.there are so many other people,beautiful people,who really deserve to be here,amongst the things they love and the people who care genuinely for them.that mean bastard we call god had no right to take my brother away from me.no right to make my family so miserable.to ensure that no happiness will ever be what it is,because such an integral part of me,us,our lives has gone.not a day goes by without thinking what if.i hate myself.couldnt i have done something?couldnt i have just come up with anything and stopped him from going that day?couldnt i have called up that day,just to ask him how everything was going?things could have been so much different.so much different.

every single day i think,he'd have liked this.he'd have laughed at that.he'd have hugged me for that.he'd have called me a stupid chicky chick,a pig for something.he'd have been proud of me.but ill never know.never.there are so many things i need him for.what am i going to do?what is he doing up there?he should have been home now,back from a tiring day at work,back from a hang-out session with friends.playing the guitar,talking to a friend.studying,anything.he should have been here.why is he not here?

how do i tell anyone what im going through?the only person who would understand isnt here.if he had been here,i wouldnt go through all this.i would have been just another person,complaining about the trivial things in life.why did the world have to turn upside down?why couldnt i just have him back?why do we always end up appreciating things only when they are not within our reach anymore?

every minute is a misery.how am i going to survive?i want dada back.i want the biggest pig back in my life?dont miracles happen to people like me?what did i do that he got this?that mom and dad got this?where did i go wrong?

i go to his room,and there are so many memories.what saddens me is not the memories,its the thing that ill never be able to make new memories there again.

if there's one thing i could change.i know what i want.its dada.

i miss you.

i love you.