Wednesday, December 31, 2008

dear dada

its been 17 horrible days.i miss you so much.i still cant believe it that your not there...still feels like maybe you have just gone out for a holiday or something.i have never stayed apart from you for so long.never.its so painful...i pray that the nightmare that i have gone through in the past few days turns out to be just that,a nightmare.

there is no reasonable explanation as to why it had to be you.i try and try to search for that answer,but i dont get it.it could so easily have been someone else.but it was you.

there are so many things i want to say to you and do with you,but i feel miserably lonely now.theres no one i can call a pig or an ass now.no one i can call at 9 at night and say where the hell you are and why arent you at home for dinner.no one i can make sarcastic remarks to and be called a st.maryiete snob in return.no one i can say looks like a cross between elvis presley and john lennon.theres no one now who will show off with the guitar to me.

yesterday,i was looking at this cd.the first song in it was unchained melody.i missed you so much that time.all those times when we sat up till 12 and 2 at night,when i played on the guitar,and you sang that song.and then we would go through my old guitar book,and end up singing every song in it.and when mom would come screaming at us,id conveniently say that you were holding me back,and not letting me go to sleep,and all because of you,i wouldnt wake up for school the next day.

there are so many things that are just associated with you...that mean nothing without your memory.i was going through your drawers,and i came across the bookmark i had made,which had got nothing else matters lyrics on it.and you had stolen it from me,saying that it was just made for you...i would make a bookmark for every day of my life if it could get you back.if it could get back that smile on your face.if it could get back that time...

its horrible.so many people saying the same thing.i dont want to believe it.i cant.just that morning before you went,i remember seeing you come into my bedroom and switch off my alarm...i remember that moment and curse myself.if only i had woken up then.if only i had seen you properly,if only for the last time.if only i could have talked to you.

i cant trust myself to hold up this facade,this fake face.i try being strong for mom and dad,especially mom,who is completely broken and shattered.but i cant confide in anyone.i feel lonely.no one can understand what i have lost.they can only offer hollow words that do nothing but increase the emptiness and void in my life.they say i have double responsibility now.i have to be the son and daughter.that i have to rise and excel in everything i do.that i have to be the best so that your happy wherever you are.but i dont want this responsibility.i dont want to be the best.if it means being without you,i dont want any of it.i dont want anyones grace or sympathy.i dont want anyones support.i just want my stupid idiotic brother back,so that i can fight with him,make horrible maggi and black coffee for him.irritate him about some silly imaginary girlfriend.go for a late night show at inox,followed by a midnight burger fiesta at mcdonalds.to tell him his hair will always be flat and chappat.to curse him,to fight with him.to give him good night kissies and tell him things.

i miss you.and if theres one thing i can get across to you,its this - that ill always love you,no matter what.that ill try taking care of mom and dad as much as i can.that ill do everything you ever wanted of me.

ill never stop hoping that you can come back.

love you.

Monday, December 1, 2008

mayhem continues

bombay mayhem continues...even in its aftermath stage
a lot of questions are being asked,fingers are being pointed,and - as usual - no one's taking the blame.topics under discussion include what took the rescue operation so long to get underway?why was there a lax on their part in immediate response?why is security in such a big city like mumbai not adequate?how were the terrorists able to go unnoticed?how were they successful in getting so much ammo and arms in,in such big,reputed places like the oberoi and taj hotels - were'nt security checks carried out?how come no one got suspicious?
beyond these,"damage control" measures are being undertaken.but everyone agrees its just hog wash.what happened has already gone,but its pathetic that we are not prepared - yet - for what might come.
a lot of ministers and high-post holding officials are stepping down from their positions , resigning from office. even the chief minister has given in his resignation...whether its accepted or not,is still left to be seen.this,coming in a very weird time, considering that general election are to be held soon,in may of 2009,preparation for which are already underway.at this time,it reflects poorly on the senior members of political parties who have displayed their inadequacy.while the opposition continues to make hay while the sun shines.turning the whole incident into a political gambit that will give them an edge.its quite disgusting.it makes one wonder,if there are any limits to selfishness.in that light,i stand by what slain commando sandeep unnikrishnan's father has done to the kerala minister and the media.he refused to meet the minister,who had personally come to meet him at this house,with an army of media persons - undoubtedly for the good light that it would put him in - like he even actually cared for that brave young man who died fighting for the cause of his motherland.the minister waited outside his house for over one and a half hours,and he was turned out.i applaud the courage,grit,determination and pride of the unnikrishnan family.
meanwhile,seems like media is overdoing its duty.its publishing way too much details.like the enemy has been completely eradicated.like they are proving to the world,we dont give a damn about your intelligence - our intelligence is so superior that we display it openly on news channels - 24 x 7 - and glossy newspapers.besides,the media is already making presumptions,without even verifying them,or finding about their authencity,thus often coming out with false "breaking news", creating hype,panic and affecting public opinion.a prayer to the media to shut up please.
pakistan is facing pressure now.diplomacy and all the la-la-la has gone out of the window.the government is likely to pressurise them a lot , as pakistani "elements" are thought to be involved in the terror attack.somehow a war doesnt seem too far away in the horizon - a diplomatic one is already underway,to accompany the love-hate relationship india - pak has always shared.
ok.now personal feeling after that :
its depressing.really.everyhwhere i turn my head,this is all i hear.it saddens and infuriates me.and my heart really really goes out to everyone out there,going through these times,but i want to distance myself from it.its too much pain and grief with what im already going through.and for the first time in years,ive prayed.ive started praying again like i mean it,hoping whichever god it is will listen to my prayers and give courage and solace to the bereaved, and pray for the safety for the rest.and for the the first time,i mean when i say "may the Lord give us courage to support us,love to unite us,and keep us,this day and forever more."
amen.