if there really exists a god,and if he really does have all the powers he is supposed to have,and if he really is that great as he is supposed to be,then he is terrible and mean.cruel.perverse.sadistic.if he is who he is,then he has no right to make us unhappy.he has no right to take from us what he has given.its almost 7 months.i dont know how,why im still living.god should properly call me to him too,i dont deserve to live.there are so many other people,beautiful people,who really deserve to be here,amongst the things they love and the people who care genuinely for them.that mean bastard we call god had no right to take my brother away from me.no right to make my family so miserable.to ensure that no happiness will ever be what it is,because such an integral part of me,us,our lives has gone.not a day goes by without thinking what if.i hate myself.couldnt i have done something?couldnt i have just come up with anything and stopped him from going that day?couldnt i have called up that day,just to ask him how everything was going?things could have been so much different.so much different.

every single day i think,he'd have liked this.he'd have laughed at that.he'd have hugged me for that.he'd have called me a stupid chicky chick,a pig for something.he'd have been proud of me.but ill never know.never.there are so many things i need him for.what am i going to do?what is he doing up there?he should have been home now,back from a tiring day at work,back from a hang-out session with friends.playing the guitar,talking to a friend.studying,anything.he should have been here.why is he not here?

how do i tell anyone what im going through?the only person who would understand isnt here.if he had been here,i wouldnt go through all this.i would have been just another person,complaining about the trivial things in life.why did the world have to turn upside down?why couldnt i just have him back?why do we always end up appreciating things only when they are not within our reach anymore?

every minute is a misery.how am i going to survive?i want dada back.i want the biggest pig back in my life?dont miracles happen to people like me?what did i do that he got this?that mom and dad got this?where did i go wrong?

i go to his room,and there are so many memories.what saddens me is not the memories,its the thing that ill never be able to make new memories there again.

if there's one thing i could change.i know what i want.its dada.

i miss you.

i love you.

desperation,angst and misery

living a hells life.dont remember what pure unadulterated feelings can be...i havent slept properly in more than 3months.have been studying without understanding anything.been moving around in a space isolated from the others.stressed out because of exams.stressed out by what im feeling,numbed by what i dont feel and what ive lost forever.i smile,but its on the surface.i cheer up others while i feel terrible inside.its horrible living this way.
feel marred,chokhed.dont know what to do.drained of everything...theres not a day gone by that i havent cried.
odies changed things,but there are some parts of life that even he cant penetrate through...people i trusted the most have left me,and i feel so handicapped...
god help me.

क्यों?

क्यों रहते हैं हम किसी बंधन में?
क्यों चुपचाप सहते हैं यह तन्हाई?
क्यों समझते हैं अपने आपको
अकेला इस भीड़ भरी दुनिया में?
क्यों रहते हैं किसी डर में?

क्यों तस्सली देते हैं दुसरो को
जब ख़ुद घुट घुट कर मरते हैं?
क्यों होती हैं चेहरे पर मुस्कान
जब आत्मा रोती है?

क्यों कहते है किसी को अपना
जब उनसे ही फेर लेते हैं हर एहसास को?
क्यों रहते हैं किसी से पराये
जब जी चाहता है उनके करीब रहने को?

क्यों रहते हैं झिजक में
जब दिल उड़ने के ख्वाहिश रखता है?
क्यों मन को समझाते हैं
जब हर सापना टूट जाता है?

क्यों नही करते पूरा हर मन चाहे
जिससे खुशी मिल जाए?
क्यों देते रहते हैं अपना बलिदान
ताकि किसी और को कुछ सुख मिल जाए?

क्यों सोचते हैं की कोई नही है समझनेवाला,
कोई नही है जिस पे कुछ ऐसा बीता होगा?
क्यों अचानक से ये बंजारापन achcha लगने लगता है?
क्यों तोड़ना हर वो प्यारा रिश्ता अच्छा लगने लगता है?

कयु टूटता नही ये ग़म से रिश्ता?
क्यों बांटेते हैं खुशी हर किसी के साथपर दुःख के स्वार्थी हो जाते हैं?

क्यों लगने लगती है ज़िन्दगी अधूरी?
क्यों हर सफर कभी पूरा नही होता?
क्यों परदे के पीछे रहना पसंद हो जाता है?
क्यू किसी से नज़र मिलाना मुश्किल हो जाता है?

क्यों पूजते हैं किसी भगवन को
ताकि मन्नते पूरी हो जाए?
क्यों धिक्कारते हैं उसी ईश्वर को
जब सब चीन लिया जाए?

क्यों रोता है ये मन?
क्यों सँभालते नही हैं हम?
क्यों बनाते हैं मुश्किल इस छोटे जीवन को?
क्यों नही समझते हर इस बीतते लम्हे के महत्त्व को?

just a few thoughts that came to me one day...

love you dada

CAN I?

can i beg my god for one last wish?

can i plead for everything i've lost?

gone is my courage and my happiness has walked out

asking for one more memory,

is that a crime?

can i stay on my knees

and promise

sacrifice for my sacrilege?

gone is my sandcastle of fun and joy

blown with the cruel winds of time...

can i make this prayer last forever,

if it can make a change?

gone is my endurance and facile face

no more masked by a glib facade.

can i have the power to go back in time,

to live those moments and not cry in those times?

to stay immortal in life's beauty

and eternalise deeds?

can i have the strength to carry on in my failed endeavour?

can i face tomorrow without regretting yesterday?

can i go back to where i was

and not go through this pain everyday?

can i please not say my last goodbye?

gone is my quest to find out why whats happened...

destined am i

to stay in grief?

bring joy to a life i know is brief?

can i fulfill all those hopes

and make your ambitions soar?

gone are you...

yet you make us wait,at the door,

another impatient day...

my wish hasn't died,

but shadows of gloom cloud over.

my prayers not answered,

but i carry on.

hope has faded away,

but ill never let go of those sweet memories.

my strength has weakened

and i live in disbelief.

the world pities me

and yet, shows no sympathy...

fear gnaws in my heart,

my own support and bravery have made me finally fall apart...

can no one deny their joy for a moment of mine?

can i still fight in this lost battle?

can i beg my god to fulfill this one last wish?

To my stupid pig.

miss you.cry for you.love you.

from your idiotic chicky chick.