dear dada

its been 17 horrible days.i miss you so much.i still cant believe it that your not there...still feels like maybe you have just gone out for a holiday or something.i have never stayed apart from you for so long.never.its so painful...i pray that the nightmare that i have gone through in the past few days turns out to be just that,a nightmare.

there is no reasonable explanation as to why it had to be you.i try and try to search for that answer,but i dont get it.it could so easily have been someone else.but it was you.

there are so many things i want to say to you and do with you,but i feel miserably lonely now.theres no one i can call a pig or an ass now.no one i can call at 9 at night and say where the hell you are and why arent you at home for dinner.no one i can make sarcastic remarks to and be called a st.maryiete snob in return.no one i can say looks like a cross between elvis presley and john lennon.theres no one now who will show off with the guitar to me.

yesterday,i was looking at this cd.the first song in it was unchained melody.i missed you so much that time.all those times when we sat up till 12 and 2 at night,when i played on the guitar,and you sang that song.and then we would go through my old guitar book,and end up singing every song in it.and when mom would come screaming at us,id conveniently say that you were holding me back,and not letting me go to sleep,and all because of you,i wouldnt wake up for school the next day.

there are so many things that are just associated with you...that mean nothing without your memory.i was going through your drawers,and i came across the bookmark i had made,which had got nothing else matters lyrics on it.and you had stolen it from me,saying that it was just made for you...i would make a bookmark for every day of my life if it could get you back.if it could get back that smile on your face.if it could get back that time...

its horrible.so many people saying the same thing.i dont want to believe it.i cant.just that morning before you went,i remember seeing you come into my bedroom and switch off my alarm...i remember that moment and curse myself.if only i had woken up then.if only i had seen you properly,if only for the last time.if only i could have talked to you.

i cant trust myself to hold up this facade,this fake face.i try being strong for mom and dad,especially mom,who is completely broken and shattered.but i cant confide in anyone.i feel lonely.no one can understand what i have lost.they can only offer hollow words that do nothing but increase the emptiness and void in my life.they say i have double responsibility now.i have to be the son and daughter.that i have to rise and excel in everything i do.that i have to be the best so that your happy wherever you are.but i dont want this responsibility.i dont want to be the best.if it means being without you,i dont want any of it.i dont want anyones grace or sympathy.i dont want anyones support.i just want my stupid idiotic brother back,so that i can fight with him,make horrible maggi and black coffee for him.irritate him about some silly imaginary girlfriend.go for a late night show at inox,followed by a midnight burger fiesta at mcdonalds.to tell him his hair will always be flat and chappat.to curse him,to fight with him.to give him good night kissies and tell him things.

i miss you.and if theres one thing i can get across to you,its this - that ill always love you,no matter what.that ill try taking care of mom and dad as much as i can.that ill do everything you ever wanted of me.

ill never stop hoping that you can come back.

love you.