a countdown to old age

7.
13.
16.

what are these figures?generally,the age in a person's life where birthdays matter.
I dont remember having a memorable birthday.ever.of the 17 years of my life so far,I've never yet had a spectacular birthday that I would remember fondly and cherish.
Nothing spectacular,no surprises,no showy gifts.I really think all of this is alright- this isnt what makes your birthday.
firstly,whats the importance of a birthday?well,it is important.because for a change,people centre happiness around you for 24 hours.just you.for regular people,it's a rarity.it doesnt happen on 364 days and 6 hours.its just one day when your made to feel special and wanted and loved and cared for.
gifts...really.too many people give gifts undue importance.gifts should be meant as a form of gratitude,a symbol of affection.instead,they've become objects of compulsion that must be given and MUST be taken with a smile on the face.A gift should be thoughtful.
my idea of a perfect birthday is just to be with people I like and love.and who like and love me back.
My entire family,friends close and dear and some good food.I've never had this birthday.
this year too,I wont.Because my family is incomplete.and that breaks my heart.because this year,it matters to me and somewhere I have a puritan belief that a year that starts well,goes well.
so much so for happiness and joy and best wishes.

It would make more sense if the life cycle was all backwards...
Die first and get death out of the way.Then,you live in an age-old home with pension.You get your PF and start working.You work for 40 years,until your young enough to enjoy retirement.You booze,party and get ready for college.Then,you become a kid - play,have no worries.You become a little baby,go back into the womb,spend your last 9 months floating,and finish off as a chromosome.
Life is beautiful :)


This was a forward I recieved on my cell one day.I just like how it puts life into perspective.

Out of orbit

In this galaxy of complexity and simplicity

She went out of orbit

The rocks of her foundation didn't stop her

And she took another path

She met other stars on the way

Joined them on many a night

Shared secrets and stories

Of a life she could now only call her previous one

She wanted to climb the stairway to heaven

Rise,rise and shine different in the dark skies

Venus stood by her at every point

Luck decided to fortune her

Past the hurdles and walls she climbed

Remembering those she had left behind 

Her heart chilled by their indifference

And the sense of dissimilarity they felt

One evening she sat by the rainy window

And thought of the people she had once claimed to know

The people who said they cared,loved and cherished her as much as she did them

Where were they now?

She stood now among the clouds

Finally her journey complete

People from the previous life encountered her

Reminding her how much things had changed

But how roots of the soul's essence don't

They had no idea how lost she felt inside with them

She was surrounded by those who truly loved her and

Had travelled with her on her revolution

Meeting the people of her far-away life

She thought of how distance can change everything

You can be surrounded by all the pleasures and niceties

You can reach the absolute zenith of your wishes

Its somehow incomplete though 

When you don't have those you started out with.

*Dedicated to all friends - old and new.

when high hopes are laid to rest

they said you were the bright boy
that the hope in your eyes would lead the blind
that in mute trust the world would follow
and you will touch the towers of uncertainty

they said the earth was not deep enough
the skies not high
fires would never engulf
which walls of iron and defiance could stop you?

there was something about you the crowd knew
purple and silver and blue were not the only colours of your mystique
because you said you could
breaking the walls of eternity seemed possible

time fell like rain
and washed away who you were
you glance in your inner mirror
and the reflection is unfamiliar

and you drown in an ocean too big for you
one you should never have known
and I see your soul going up in that grey,grey sliver of smoke
till you disappear into the unknown

what burnt out that light inside of you?
what made you fall to never rise again?
what made you think the last rope you tied would never be undone?
what made you think your story would never be told?
you used to be the bright boy.

* for all those who lost their shine.for those who matter to me - may you never lose your shine.

Ink on my feet

I wake up on a careless morning,like every other.

And as I rummage for a breath of life,

I drop a bottle of hope.

It crashes with the resound of an aching head.

So I walk out of my home

With ink on my feet

And a picture of you in my hand

No aim to reach,

The goals of a gypsy

I go by houses I know like the blind

The laughter of friends still hanging in the air

The smell of rain just out of reach

The sun still in its woken state

I spend a moment under that tree,

A cheap cigarette and a bottle to go

With the melody we made

On a second-hand guitar and a torn page

And so I keep walking

With ink on my feet

And a photo of you in my hand

Still no aim to grasp,

Searching like a gypsy.

There used to be nights that made up for the years lost,

And messages in secret,

Smiles that made way in crowded places,

A small warm hug to cheer the blues that wouldn't go.

I still write with the pencil that hasn't broken it's point

And the endless paper gives me comfort

Like the lone ship in the waters

To a survivor at sea long lost and forgotten

But I'm still walking

With ink on my feet

And your picture in my hand

I forget the aim I never had,

Wander like a gypsy

So I search for the boy who promised me,

With the hope that I will find a message in a bottle

For I have words to say I wish I had given you

The time before you went away.

I miss the idea of you

And the songs we made

The sweep of your hair

And the smell and touch of you.

I have ink on my feet

And a photo of you

It was short while it lasted

And what I feel,is gone with you.

I'm waiting,still searching.

*Because -unbelievably - it's the 21st century.I could peep into government buildings,find out about spy satellites.I can get classified information with the common technology in my hand.But I still can't manage to find you.

On complete irresponsibilty

Today,I shall feel free to do what I have seldom done before - remove my anger through the written word.
Through the years,the importance of time has been a virtue that I've striven hard to inculcate - through the example of other important figures in my life and through what I have observed.
It's not merely about time management or punctuality.Keeping time in consideration while doing something reflects a lot on who you are and your social behaviour.
Keeping someone waiting is simply not acceptable,especially so when you have no plausible cause or reason for it.Everyone has mobile phones these days and firing away a text message or making a short call takes barely ten seconds if your an efficient and regular user of your handy mobiles.Pity is,if you cannot do that much to inform a person who is waiting for you,it reflects rather poorly on who you are.
When any situation calls for team efforts,a single person taking collective responsibility is immature and stupid on the part of other team members.It reflects lack on interest and seriousness.Don't get me wrong here.I'm not against leadership.A leader guides,but should in no way do the work of others under his wing.
  Today,I was pissed off.Genuinely irritated to the point of breakdown.I stood in the rain for my team members to arrive.They conveniently forgot,had lectures and could not complete work assigned to them and did not even have the courtesy to reply to my messages and calls asking about their whereabouts.Stranded in a pathetic situation.This is not a post of self-pity.Its anger.Because noone gives a damn,and right now my life is pretty much centred around it.If there was ever a time I felt like lifting my heavy bag full of books and a water bottle and hitting it on acquaintances and friends,it was today.

whats been

So what's been going on lately?

Photography - It's mostly been on a standstill because I've been a bit busy and the screen seems to be a bit screwed - which I need to get checked *mental note*
Studies  - Haha,very funny.Next thing please.
Debating Matters 2010  - We made it through the first round!whoopay!cheers to us :)
We next go for the regional finals to Mumbai.Got our topics/motions today.They've already decided our stance on it.They provide us with topic guides - which basically outline the scope of the deabte.In the regional finals,to be held on 27th September,there will be three rounds.If we manage to pass all,and win the regional finals,we go to Chennai for national finals.And if we qualify THAT,we go to London,baby :D *fingers crossed and hopes raised*
Social life - friends have found a new bakra(scapegoat) to tease me with.hope the phase passes soon because Im still in two minds about whether I like him,or don't.Was Amrita's birthday today,so yay!Happy Birthday to a special friend.Had fun at her birthday celebration today.
MUN - Problem,problems.One big headache.Research is extensive and hell redefined.But its fun.And its a bloody brilliant opportunity,so I'm not really complaining.Team members are highly uncooperative and are eating a lot of bhaav,which is mightily pissing off,because THEY were the ones to arrive late on the scene.
Reading - The Godfather by Mario Puzo.I get what the hype and love about it is.
Health - Have been eating out.*I am sinning.help!*Haven't been eating the 6 meals that I should be eating,and not been eating at the right time.Forgetting to eat my medicines at the right time.Not been going for my as-such-almost-regular walks.(though hey,I cycled for a half hour yesterday,so that's good!).Must be back on the good track,and MUST stop sinning.
Will soon read - Sigmund Freud's 'The Interpretation of Dreams'.
and....that's all I can think of right now.And I must sleep.
Sigh.The misery of it all.
Ciao!

thought for the day types.

Things aren't perfect.They really are not.And I have a couple of jack-ass friends completely screwed in the head.And my studies are following the backward-bending curve from economics.We are stuck with a load-full-of-shit country.We are going to frigging Bom-the-bay completely unplanned.I feel too full of caffeine to attempt sleep.But beat this - I'm loving every minute of it.Even the jack-ass friends screwed in the head.I'm happy.Probably because things aren't perfect.

To dada

Hey bum.
How are you?
Today's Raksha Bandhan.Its killing me.I miss my usual annual income that I incurred at this juncture of the year.
Who am I kidding?I miss you.And I miss that Mom would scream early in the morning for us to do the whole ceremony,but we all ended up being so busy and wound up in our own lives that we'd do it only in the evening.And how Dad would pay you so you could gift it to me minutes before we did the whole aarti thing,and all that jing bang.And how every year lately,one or two of your friends turned up to become my brothers.It hurts,because this year,like last year, I have nothing to do.So I sit around pretending to be okay,cleaning the house,listening to music and then the Ipod starts playing Tum Ho Toh.And that's always a been special song I associate with you because you sang it so badly.And I cried.I cried because I miss you and I miss having a brother who would irritate the hell out of me,who would hit me just to see how pink my skin could go.And I miss having to make sandwiches for someone or making anda bhurji with cheese because nobody else I know likes it half as much.
  Mom doesnt say anything.God knows how.She tried in her own way though.She asked if I wanted to buy rakhis this year,send it to the cousins.I couldnt.Its too much of an emotional burden.She didnt even send any rakhis to her brother.She made sheera today in the morning despite the fact that she's been down with the flu since 5 days.It didnt strike me until much later why she must have done that....And in the morning,all she told me was that she felt sorry I had to eat the same breakfast everyday so she thought of making something different.Bloody stupid Hindu festivals and their significance and importance and what-not.That's why being an Atheist is way way simpler - less emotional dependence and more detachment from everything you love.
  I came on facebook,and it did nothing to make me feel better.All my friends had status updates dedicated to their brothers or photos from today.A girl from college who's a friend's friend asked me how much I got today from my brother.I signed off immediately.What do I say,and to who all do I explain?
  So I sit here,type all this as a steady stream of tears falls on your precious laptop...I think of the times we sat late at night singing songs on the guitar...I sit by the window desperately hoping to hear the horn and sounds of a Ford Ikon at 7,which would be your usual time to return from office and after meeting friends.And today,like I otherwise would have,I wont put together the thaali with rice and something sweet and mom amd dad's rings.But I'm still going to pretend I tied you a Rakhi.I'm still going to hope that your there to watch over me.And I hope loads of girls that you fancied up there tied you a rakhi today.
I miss you,you moron.
Love you.

Not so good

Am I upset?Am  I angry?Am I just pissed?Yes.Things arent working out half as well as they were till yesterday and right uptil today afternoon.Now there are obstacles AGAIN.And I'm literally SICK of running behind people to no avail.It's almost taken my interest off it.
But the situation must improve.Things HAVE to fall into place.I don't want to let go of this opportunity...

Well all this besides...what's new?Mom wasnt well today,I got a downright fright.She's better now,thankfully.
Besides that...Got to go.
Tada!

So,are things looking up?
Yes sirree,they are.There's a new purpose to life.There are things to look forward to.There are interesting people in my life...new people,fun people,determined people.And that helps me get a little bit of focus too.And thats really really good.
Gee,Im in a pretty good mood today.And how much ever your friends suck,its fun having them take your case, because its true,and its nice.
Things on life are finally perking and chirping - whatever that means.Cheers to  the future :)

Photo class : Day 2

A Picture I took of a statue at home.I rather like it :)

18th July,2010
Class at 8 a.m.Run run run when you wake up at 6.30 a.m. on a Sunday no less.
SO :
Verdict of the day?It wasn't bad,to be honest.It was quite decent really.We started out by going to the campus and doing some outdoor photography of the campus garden-with the main aim of concentrating on light -which really was a bit of a task because the garden was more or less a petridish of weeds and grasses.But that was interesting,because we had strict instructions to take pictures only on the Auto mode,so primarily,the only way we could experiment was with our subject and composition.And with about 18 of us in a limited space,it was a small challenge to decide the best way to take a unique picture that 17 others could not possibly take.After about an hour there,we were told the group could break up and we could wander outside the garden to the rest of the campus.That was sort of convenient for me because college is second home to me now,but my camera's battery was taking its last breath,so I had to go back to the classroom to charge it for a bit.While my friend and I waited for that to happen,this other girl from our class was also there,so we talked for a bit.It was nice - she's human,whoopay.After that was done,I didn't have much time on my hands - since we had to be back in the classroom by ten - so I wandered around,took some pictures of the bamboo garden I rather like,and came back  with two minutes to spare.
After that,we had a presentation on the origin of photogrpahy and some basic concepts.That was good,theory that helped.
Assignment was to get at least ten pictures over the next week,experimenting with aperture and shutterspeed.I ended up getting around 160 pictures,all in one day :P
Day 3 tomorrow.Let's hope it gets better,and the rain doesnt play spoilsport should we go for outdoor shooting.

P.S. -Contemplating joining Flickr.com and uploading my best.Won't get better till I've heard constructive criticism and oh-so-wonderful encouragement from unknown people :)
More on that later,
Cheers :)

Photo class : Day 1

17th July,2010

Had my first digital photography class today.
It was kind of disappointing - to be honest - because I expected more enthusiasm,more fun,nicer people.But I'm assuming too much too soon,so I won't base my views on judgements formed in one day.
So my friend and I reached the classroom at 3 p.m. looked around,it was puzzling really,because people seemed as if they had woken up from sleep.We got chairs at the back,and sat ourselves down,while one of our - teachers?guides?professors? - fiddled around with the laptop and the projector.
One of the teachers/guides/professors came and gave an introduction on photography,just a basic opening discussion.We then saw a ppt of '"ten reasons why you should do photography" and that was SO choro-fied,it wasnt even funny :P It had terms like "Little League matches" and "backyard".Ha.
Then the other instructor/guide/teacher/professor explained a little about DSLR,SLR,Semi SLR and the Box cameras,briefly outlining the basic course structure.They gave us a little advice on what to keep in mind while buying a camera.Well,it wasn't anything awe-inspiring,pretty elementary stuff,really.We were dismissed after that - although our lectures(?)/discussions(?) were to go on till 6 p.m.
Tomorrow we've been asked to come equipped with camera and associated equipment,and shall hopefully get started.The class of about 18 people will be divided into two groups,each to be headed by one of the instructors : Outdoor and indoor.Im praying I dont end up with the weirdo who has been doing wildlife photogrpahy for four years but joined this class for "fine-tuning" his basics,and ends up showing off too much.
hmph.
Hoping tomorrow is way way better,and that I learn something,and that through this class,I can see the world and capture it in the best way possible :)

Good night!
cheers!

Today

Today,today I watch you as sleep takes over
There's a content smile on your face,though I see the depth of your sadness.
Your lying next to me and your warmth reaches the crux of my soul.
I have fought my battles,
Tried to emerge victorious.
You stood by me,
Held my hand when I walked into the unknown,
Been the shoulder that kept me company in those dark nights I wanted to scream through.

Today,today I lie looking at you
Thinking of the times we shared...
Those dreams of living together...forever.
Never growing old,
Building castles of bliss.
I create a parallel universe in my mind,
I wish I could turn it to reality.
I see the future and you standing there with me.

Today.today I wish I could ask the higher strengths
Time,that slips out of my hand like water in  the rain
I struggle for a breath , a faith to keep me strong,
A belief that could turn things right.
I reach out,touch your hand,
Feel the life that surges through me.
Today,today there is hope.
Not for tomorrow,but for today.
Today,I'm not afraid
I know I can let go:
There's only so much I can hold onto.
Today,I know
I face the uncertainty.
And when the white light comes today,
Today,I shall surrender.
Forever.

*Dedicated to all the family members and loved ones of people who have been unfortunate to be struck by a terminal disease.Dedicated to their strength to bear,carry,encourage and survive through the worst.

04-06-2010

It's been 1 year,5 months and 21 days.
And I still miss you just as much.
To all those who say time heals wounds - it doesn't.It's a wonderful phrase to say when you have no other words of comfort.But really,it doesn't.Time just distances you from an event and a person.It tries and fades memories and all that you cling to.But it heals no wounds.It just deludes you and fools you into believing otherwise.
I was playing with Odie today.Splashing water,fooling around.Laughing like a kid.I felt so carefree.And when I laughed,it came from within.Not like the hollow laugh that does light my eyes,but not from within.And then there was this really big pain inside when I remembered our last Holi together.It was just like that...throwing water on each other...I didn't cry.Of course I couldnt.Mom was there.I was laughing.And the next moment I was feeling guilty.
I miss you.This life,I feel guilty about it.I can't stop thinking why or how.I can't stop wishing that if it had to be someone,then why not me?I have done nothing to deserve this life.But you were such a precious person.Such a wonderful son,intelligent student,all rounder.A friend everyone envied.A brother I couldnt have asked more from.A terrible singer and those horrible tunes you played.Everyone needs you.No matter how much we try to hide it from others and from our own selves,we need you.
It's completely removed my faith from "God".All those things people say about "God is testing you when he puts you through tough times"...I don't need that.I never wanted a God.Never wanted his help or him to doubt my faith in him.Why test us for that?
I read this book called "Pure Evil" today,written by a mother whose 25 year old son was hacked to death by his girlfriend.She described the pain and agony the family went through during the trials.She said she couldn't describe it and noone would understand it till they themselves had gone through it.A year back,neither would I.When she wrote about her daughter's speech in the memorial service held for her son,I cried.
I just wanted to let you know how much I loved you and appreciated your presence in my life.Regret,remorse is killing me.
And I miss you.

the first monsoon's quick post

It's the first day of June,2010,1522 hours.
It was hot in the morning,so much so that I had second thoughts while getting dressed to go for the morning walk.I was greeted by a superbly fantastic sight when I opened my today morning...3 lovely books of German on my desk :) whooopay.Really,it's time I start concentrating on my German which is deteriorating in the two months of summer holidays quite like the drops of water on a hot tin roof.
It's an idyllic summer day.It started raining about a half hour back.It looks lovely now.This is my favourite time of the year...the sweltering heat.The relief of the rains.The lovely breeze.The crackling clouds weak with thunder.And that perfectly heaven smell of wet earth.The hunger to eat something warm - samosas,soups,coffee and the ever favourite : Maggi.Digging up old classics to listen to and sing alongwith.And the bestest part of it all : the skies.They are so heartachingly beautiful...lovely hues,all clear after the rains...I wish I could capture every monsoon evening on a camera roll.

Till later :)
cheers

इस रिश्ते को...

इस रिश्ते को क्या नाम दूं?
बहुत कहा,बहुत सुना
फिर भी है ये लम्बी ख़ामोशी
ये अजीब दूरी,ये करीबी

दोस्ती नहीं,शायद प्यार ही सही
कैसा मौसम,ऐसा एहसास
कुछ करने की ज़रूरत
यूँही बैठे रहने की चाह

बहुत मस्ती,थोड़ी घबराहट
बंधी सी इस आज़ादी से
कभी सोचती,कभी मुस्कुराती
यूँ मचलती,यूँ नाचती

इस लम्हे को समझना चाहती हूँ
कोई ख्वाब,कोई सच
छूना नहीं चाहती तुम्हे
ये तितली हमेशा के लिए उड़ गयी तो?

अँधेरे मैं सूरज हो
या शायद कुछ कम,कुछ ज्यादा
तुम्हारी ज़िन्दगी मेरे लिए खुली किताब
और मेरी आँखों के पीछे हैं बंद दरवाज़े
समझोगे कब?
इस रिश्ते को क्या नाम दूं?

for you.

Went through your things today.Memories were settled on it as thick and firm as dust.Some things made me smile and remember the days we loved.Most made me cry on how we can never create those days again.There are so many times that come back to me.Casual words I never meant,so much I shouldn't have said.Million things I should have otherwise shared.Its said : time heals all wounds,I should let go of the pain.But how do I live without it?There's a desperate need to hear your voice again.An urgency I can't describe to hear your silly laugh.A desperate want to hear you sing and play those tunes you loved.There's a picture of you in my mind.Sitting by the table looking outside.I want it to be real.I hate this world.I found a book amongst your things.It mentioned You and I.You captured parts of our childhood in it.It makes you all the more special.I wear your shirt,the one you wore too much.Your scent has faded away.I want you to bring it back again.There's a silly sweet poem you wrote on me when you were ten or so.You called me your darling sister and printed it on special paper.It's got the remains of my tears on it now.I flip through your forbidden diary.There's another side of you I didn't know in it.I wish I had understood you then as you were.You could have been so much more near.There's an ache in my heart when your friends share your stories with me.I don't want to know those stories,just as I wouldn't have ever heard them were you here.I want your advice on so many issues.But where do I turn?These memories,I don't want them.I want you.I'm afraid of moving anything in your room.I want things to be just as you left them.I want you to fight with me,hit me,make me cry...anything,just to feel your presence again.This empty existence of mine,it's not called living.Do something,make me feel again.Just be okay,just be here.
My dearest stupid boy,I love you and I' so so sorry I didn't tell you that enough.I just hope you know it.Missing my pig like hell.
Take care off all those girls I bet your dating in heaven.And they had better take good care of you.

Food for thought

Saw a rather ironical signboard today outside a five star hotel for its restaurant.It was for the ongoing food festival - "THE STREET FOOD OF THAILAND" - it boasted.Ha.Street food to be eaten in a five star?Street food.In a five star.And you pay 800 bucks for it(and I'm excluding the RATHER fine print of 'taxes extra').Street food.I find that rather weird and paradoxical.If I want to eat STREET FOOD,why in the name of heavens above would I do it sitting in a fine-dining restaurant where there are elegant silk and taffeta curtains,chilling air conditioners and where I must tip the waiter with at least 10% of my billing amount?

Don't get me wrong.I'm not a minimalist,against five star hotels.I love them just as much as the next person.I'm not suggesting that we deprive waiters their tips.I'm not saying that five stars should charge amounts next to peanuts...the mere suggestion of that idea is so very ridiculous.

What I'm really saying is that,it beats the point.It's called street food for a reason.

Ya ya,I know you can say that they are bringing exclusivity and authentic stuff and blah blah blah.Beats the point.

I'm not just targeting the hotel.I'm just saying generally.Where it's not your specialty,why bother?Where you can't be the original,or better,why bother?

Go to any Udupi/South Indian restaurant in India - typically owned by a Shetty - and you will get the widest assortment of dishes.It truly is multi-cuisine in the real sense.You will get everything from South Indian,"North Indian",Mughlai,Tandoor,(alas,but India MUST face diversity and difference even in the menu cards!),Italian,Mexican,Pizzas(yes,they are NOT included as Italian),Continental(which is usually salads and an assortment of funnily spelled words like spaghetti bolonees - read as Bolognaise and also includes "toast and jam/'marmelade'",cereals,cornflakes,eggs to order,etc ),Burgers and Sandwiches,Chinese,Thai,Sizzlers...its an exhausting list.I remember this one occasion where we ordered Chilly Chicken from a South Indian restaurant.This spicy dish consisting of fried chicken coated in cornflour in a spicy soya sauce with chilly,green capsicum,onions and garlic was presented with dry fried chicken,with a sweet-ish taste,and garnished a LOT with coriander,cashewnuts,raisins and other assorted dry fruits.

I find it ridiculous to go to a 5 star to eat what I can cook at home.We eat out to experience new food,new tastes and somkething different,but authentic.Eating a wada pav at a big restaurant is a stupid idea - because it'll cost hell,it won't be as tasty,and it's out of place.eating FrenchOnion Soup at a small dhaba-like place is a stupid idea - because it won't taste like it,will be completely different and it's out of place.

In the end - cause I really AM running out of things to say - I oppose myself and say,it's alright once in a while to eat something that's not supposed to be cooked there.It creates a good enough experience to laugh,criticise and remember.

My life,in this world

My maid told me of an incident that happened in her village a couple of years ago.It was shocking and so terrible.

A minor girl,around 16 or 17,was gang-raped.She became pregnant,and her family practically abandoned her,because of the shame that she had supposedly brought onto them.She lived poorly,wandering alone,and ran away from her house.Due to depression,she became mentally ill.She was raped again,while she was still pregnant.She committed suicide.

It was so horrible listening to this.I can't even imagine the pain that she must have gone through.Will power and self confidence are very nice lofty words to say...how could she have practiced it?What belief had she left in this world?

Just some thoughts on it.Its very cold and gory.May she rest in peace.To all those women who have to bring a part of their being into life in this horrible cruel world,because of circumstances they can do nothing about.

how do I bring my life into this world?

where even your own blood can kill?

its such a cruel hell

I have no words

how do I explain to this life

why daddy may not come home one night?

that the thunder and stormy skies

are not the only things to be frightened of

how do I match my eyes with the innocence of my life?

with the sins I have committed

and while regret will haunt me to eternity?

how do I guide my life

through this space of hatred and murder

knowing so well that one shot

could kill so many lives

I lay in my own pool of blood

and wonder how long my life will survive after me

how long my life will live through this shame of mine

so I let my breath spool out of me

my life will die within me

and yet it will live better than in this life,

in this world

Rajdeep Sardesai's letter to Uddhav Thackeray

Rajdeep Sardesai,a well known journalist,sent a letter to Uddhav Thackeray,heir of the Shiv Sena, on the whole "Marathi manoos" issue.

Wiki : Rajdeep Sardesai
Wiki : Uddhav Thackeray

It makes for a very interesting read,seeing the reaction of a renowned member of the Press addressing a political leader with much force.

Dear Udhavjee,

At the very outset, my compliments for the manner in which you've literally 'stolen' the headlines from your cousin Raj in the last fortnight. After the Assembly election defeat last October, there were many who had written you off as a weak, namby-pamby politician, who would be better off doing photography. But now, it seems that the 'fire' which burns inside Bal Thackeray is alive in the son too. After years of struggling to establish yourself, you have finally discovered the mantra for success as a Shiv Sena leader: find an 'enemy', threaten and intimidate them, commit the odd violent act, and, eureka!, you are anointed the true heir to the original 'T' company supremo.

Your cousin has chosen to bash faceless taxi drivers and students from North India, soft targets who are totally unprotected. You've been much braver. You've actually chosen to target national icons: Sachin Tendulkar, Mukesh Ambani, Shah Rukh Khan, powerful figures who most Indians venerate. Shah Rukh is no surprise since the Sena has always been uncomfortable with the Indian Muslim identity. Forty years ago, your father had questioned Dilip Kumar's patriotism for accepting an award from the Pakistani government. You've called Shah Rukh a traitor for wishing to choose Pakistani cricketers in the IPL. That your father invited Javed Miandad, the former Pakistani captain and a close relation of Dawood Ibrahim, to your house is a matter of record that we shall not go into today.

I am a little surprised that you chose to question Ambani and Tendulkar though. The Sena has always enjoyed an excellent relationship with corporate India. Why then criticise India's biggest businessman for suggesting that Mumbai belongs to all? After all, no one can deny that Mumbai's entrepreneurial energy has been driven by communities from across India. The diatribe against Sachin is even more strange. He is, alongwith Lata Mangeshkar, Maharashtra's most admired and recognised face. Surely, you will agree that Sachin symbolizes Maharashtrian pride in a manner that renaming shops and streets in Marathi never can.

Of course, in-between some of your local thugs also attacked the IBN Lokmat office. I must confess that initially the attack did leave me outraged. Why would a political outfit that claims to protect Maharashtrian culture attack a leading Marathi news channel? But on reflection I realized that we hadn't been singled out: over the last four decades, the Shiv Sena has targeted some of Maharashtra's finest literary figures and journalistic institutions. That you continue to live in a colony of artists while attacking artistic freedom remains one of the many tragic ironies in the evolution of the Sena.

Just before the Assembly elections, you had told me in an interview that you were determined to shake off the Shiv Sena's legacy of violence. You spoke of the need for welfarist politics, of how you were saddened that rural Maharashtra was being left behind. I was impressed by the farmer rallies you had organized, by the fact that you had documented farmer suicides in the state. I thought that Uddhav Thackeray was serious about effecting a change in Maharashtra's political landscape.

I was obviously mistaken. Farmer suicides still continue, the after-effects of drought are still being faced in several districts, but the focus is now squarely on finding high profile hate figures. You claim to have a vision for Mumbai. Yet, on the day the Sena-controlled city's municipal corporation's annual budget revealed an alarming financial crisis, your party mouthpiece,Saamna, was running banner headlines seeking an apology from Shah Rukh Khan. You asked your Shiv Sainiks to agitate against Rahul Gandhi's visit to Mumbai, but why have you not asked them to wage a war against the water cuts that have made life so difficult for millions in the city?

At one level, I can understand the reasons for your frustration. The Congress-NCP government in the state has been thoroughly incompetent: the last decade has seen Maharashtra decline on most social and economic parameters. Yet, the Shiv Sena has been unable to capture power in the state. Your war with cousin Raj has proved to be self-destructive. The Assembly election results showed that a united Sena may have offered a real challenge to the ruling alliance. In fact, the Sena and the MNS together garnered around 43 per cent of the popular vote in Mumbai-Thane, almost seven per cent more than what was obtained by the Congress-NCP combine. Yet, because your vote was split, you won just nine of the 60 seats in the region, a result which proved decisive in the overall state tally.

Your defeat seems to have convinced you that the only way forward is to outdo your cousin in parochial politics. It's a strategy which has undoubtedly made you a headline-grabber once again. Unfortunately, television rating points don't get you votes or goodwill. There is space in Maharashtra's politics for a regional force, but it needs to be based on a constructive, inclusive identity.

Tragically, the Shiv Sena has never offered a serious social or economic agenda for the future. Setting up the odd wada pav stall in Mumbai is hardly a recipe for addressing the job crisis . Why hasn't the Sena, for example, started training projects to make Maharashtrian youth face upto the challenges of a competitive job market? Why doesn't the Sena give regional culture a boost by supporting Marathi theatre, literature or cinema? The wonderful Marathi film, "Harishchandrachee Factory", nominated for the Oscars, has been co-produced by Ronnie Screwvala, a Parsi, who like millions of other 'outsiders' has made Mumbai his home. Maybe, I ask for too much. Tigers, used to bullying others for years, will never change their stripes.

Post-script: Your charming son, Aditya, who is studying English Literature in St Xaviers College, had sent me a collection of his poems. I was most impressed with his writing skills. Let's hope the next generation of the T company will finally realize that there is more to life than rabble-rousing!

Jai Hind, Jai Maharashtra!

because life is nothing without you

she sits by the fire
and turns the pages of her long lost diary
photos that were lost in the attic of her memory
shine in her misty eyes

she goes back to the time
when summers were warm and music had melody
the time when she knew she had everything
and the fear of losing nothing

she doesnt know i see her
keep an eye on the only one i call mine
she took a day at a time
and now she struggles through the hours

she has gone to an entirely different plane
and i cant touch her there
she sees me but she cant hear my voice
the words i miserably try to bring forth

my own grief knows no bounds
how do i even imagine what she goes through?
everytime she hugs me
i hear her heart break a thousand pieces
when her soul misses its first creation

how do i make her understand
that the pain is not beyond me?
that it engulfs us all?
that we miss you no less?
that your mere absence haunts my living?

how do i make her believe
that just because my tears overwhelm me only in the darkest corners of night
i dont bleed?
that every so often i dial a familiar number in the hope of it finally being answered?
that the car horn in the midst of night wakes me in the hope your knocking at the door?

how do i tell her my fears
why i dont dare to leave her alone?
why phone calls in the early morning hours scare me?
why i never go to your old room anymore?

how do i explain my fake smile?
how do i tell her i dont talk about you
because it aches within me?
how do i tell her i know that whatever,whatever we do
nothing can ever replace your love

we just pretend life will be okay one day
that happiness will come in your reincarnate
that we believe in the strength that let us down
that lost hopes will be found again
and we steal memories from each other
to keep snatches of you
in our hearts forever
for her and me and everyone else...
come back.


dearest bum.we love you a lot.

Written after a really long time,more than a year.
Just a random subject really.And when I say random,I really do mean random.
Its basically about someone - say a guy - who mutually agrees to break up with the girlfriend for whatever reasons she has.(Its not really written with a gender in mind though).He still has feelings for her,but he wants her to be happy,so he tries moving on.But the girlfriend is unfortunately not a filmy one,and shes not a vamp,so she really does feel sorry for the guy.So she tries to help him out.But the guy wants her to move on,even if he's stuck in the crossroads.
As for the title,well I just came up with it while listening to Bob Dylan.I've got the greatest love and respect for him,so really,please,no issues to be raised for using a very famous and beautiful song's title.


****

The doors have shut

I stand on the threshold.

Don't think twice,it's alright.

You have your reasons

And I really do accept them.

Don't think twice,it's alright.

Candles eventually burn out

But it takes time for old flames to die.

I will survive.

Don't think twice,it's alright.

Your calls are like the lighthouse by the coast

Misleading in the dark

Of no use in the light

Just a pretty picture of solidarity and support.

Appreciate its presence

But where has it led me?

A wreck in the sea...

Then again,it's alright.

Don't think twice.

Don't think twice.

******
:-)