To dada

Hey bum.
How are you?
Today's Raksha Bandhan.Its killing me.I miss my usual annual income that I incurred at this juncture of the year.
Who am I kidding?I miss you.And I miss that Mom would scream early in the morning for us to do the whole ceremony,but we all ended up being so busy and wound up in our own lives that we'd do it only in the evening.And how Dad would pay you so you could gift it to me minutes before we did the whole aarti thing,and all that jing bang.And how every year lately,one or two of your friends turned up to become my brothers.It hurts,because this year,like last year, I have nothing to do.So I sit around pretending to be okay,cleaning the house,listening to music and then the Ipod starts playing Tum Ho Toh.And that's always a been special song I associate with you because you sang it so badly.And I cried.I cried because I miss you and I miss having a brother who would irritate the hell out of me,who would hit me just to see how pink my skin could go.And I miss having to make sandwiches for someone or making anda bhurji with cheese because nobody else I know likes it half as much.
  Mom doesnt say anything.God knows how.She tried in her own way though.She asked if I wanted to buy rakhis this year,send it to the cousins.I couldnt.Its too much of an emotional burden.She didnt even send any rakhis to her brother.She made sheera today in the morning despite the fact that she's been down with the flu since 5 days.It didnt strike me until much later why she must have done that....And in the morning,all she told me was that she felt sorry I had to eat the same breakfast everyday so she thought of making something different.Bloody stupid Hindu festivals and their significance and importance and what-not.That's why being an Atheist is way way simpler - less emotional dependence and more detachment from everything you love.
  I came on facebook,and it did nothing to make me feel better.All my friends had status updates dedicated to their brothers or photos from today.A girl from college who's a friend's friend asked me how much I got today from my brother.I signed off immediately.What do I say,and to who all do I explain?
  So I sit here,type all this as a steady stream of tears falls on your precious laptop...I think of the times we sat late at night singing songs on the guitar...I sit by the window desperately hoping to hear the horn and sounds of a Ford Ikon at 7,which would be your usual time to return from office and after meeting friends.And today,like I otherwise would have,I wont put together the thaali with rice and something sweet and mom amd dad's rings.But I'm still going to pretend I tied you a Rakhi.I'm still going to hope that your there to watch over me.And I hope loads of girls that you fancied up there tied you a rakhi today.
I miss you,you moron.
Love you.

Not so good

Am I upset?Am  I angry?Am I just pissed?Yes.Things arent working out half as well as they were till yesterday and right uptil today afternoon.Now there are obstacles AGAIN.And I'm literally SICK of running behind people to no avail.It's almost taken my interest off it.
But the situation must improve.Things HAVE to fall into place.I don't want to let go of this opportunity...

Well all this besides...what's new?Mom wasnt well today,I got a downright fright.She's better now,thankfully.
Besides that...Got to go.
Tada!

So,are things looking up?
Yes sirree,they are.There's a new purpose to life.There are things to look forward to.There are interesting people in my life...new people,fun people,determined people.And that helps me get a little bit of focus too.And thats really really good.
Gee,Im in a pretty good mood today.And how much ever your friends suck,its fun having them take your case, because its true,and its nice.
Things on life are finally perking and chirping - whatever that means.Cheers to  the future :)

Photo class : Day 2

A Picture I took of a statue at home.I rather like it :)

18th July,2010
Class at 8 a.m.Run run run when you wake up at 6.30 a.m. on a Sunday no less.
SO :
Verdict of the day?It wasn't bad,to be honest.It was quite decent really.We started out by going to the campus and doing some outdoor photography of the campus garden-with the main aim of concentrating on light -which really was a bit of a task because the garden was more or less a petridish of weeds and grasses.But that was interesting,because we had strict instructions to take pictures only on the Auto mode,so primarily,the only way we could experiment was with our subject and composition.And with about 18 of us in a limited space,it was a small challenge to decide the best way to take a unique picture that 17 others could not possibly take.After about an hour there,we were told the group could break up and we could wander outside the garden to the rest of the campus.That was sort of convenient for me because college is second home to me now,but my camera's battery was taking its last breath,so I had to go back to the classroom to charge it for a bit.While my friend and I waited for that to happen,this other girl from our class was also there,so we talked for a bit.It was nice - she's human,whoopay.After that was done,I didn't have much time on my hands - since we had to be back in the classroom by ten - so I wandered around,took some pictures of the bamboo garden I rather like,and came back  with two minutes to spare.
After that,we had a presentation on the origin of photogrpahy and some basic concepts.That was good,theory that helped.
Assignment was to get at least ten pictures over the next week,experimenting with aperture and shutterspeed.I ended up getting around 160 pictures,all in one day :P
Day 3 tomorrow.Let's hope it gets better,and the rain doesnt play spoilsport should we go for outdoor shooting.

P.S. -Contemplating joining Flickr.com and uploading my best.Won't get better till I've heard constructive criticism and oh-so-wonderful encouragement from unknown people :)
More on that later,
Cheers :)

Photo class : Day 1

17th July,2010

Had my first digital photography class today.
It was kind of disappointing - to be honest - because I expected more enthusiasm,more fun,nicer people.But I'm assuming too much too soon,so I won't base my views on judgements formed in one day.
So my friend and I reached the classroom at 3 p.m. looked around,it was puzzling really,because people seemed as if they had woken up from sleep.We got chairs at the back,and sat ourselves down,while one of our - teachers?guides?professors? - fiddled around with the laptop and the projector.
One of the teachers/guides/professors came and gave an introduction on photography,just a basic opening discussion.We then saw a ppt of '"ten reasons why you should do photography" and that was SO choro-fied,it wasnt even funny :P It had terms like "Little League matches" and "backyard".Ha.
Then the other instructor/guide/teacher/professor explained a little about DSLR,SLR,Semi SLR and the Box cameras,briefly outlining the basic course structure.They gave us a little advice on what to keep in mind while buying a camera.Well,it wasn't anything awe-inspiring,pretty elementary stuff,really.We were dismissed after that - although our lectures(?)/discussions(?) were to go on till 6 p.m.
Tomorrow we've been asked to come equipped with camera and associated equipment,and shall hopefully get started.The class of about 18 people will be divided into two groups,each to be headed by one of the instructors : Outdoor and indoor.Im praying I dont end up with the weirdo who has been doing wildlife photogrpahy for four years but joined this class for "fine-tuning" his basics,and ends up showing off too much.
hmph.
Hoping tomorrow is way way better,and that I learn something,and that through this class,I can see the world and capture it in the best way possible :)

Good night!
cheers!

Today

Today,today I watch you as sleep takes over
There's a content smile on your face,though I see the depth of your sadness.
Your lying next to me and your warmth reaches the crux of my soul.
I have fought my battles,
Tried to emerge victorious.
You stood by me,
Held my hand when I walked into the unknown,
Been the shoulder that kept me company in those dark nights I wanted to scream through.

Today,today I lie looking at you
Thinking of the times we shared...
Those dreams of living together...forever.
Never growing old,
Building castles of bliss.
I create a parallel universe in my mind,
I wish I could turn it to reality.
I see the future and you standing there with me.

Today.today I wish I could ask the higher strengths
Time,that slips out of my hand like water in  the rain
I struggle for a breath , a faith to keep me strong,
A belief that could turn things right.
I reach out,touch your hand,
Feel the life that surges through me.
Today,today there is hope.
Not for tomorrow,but for today.
Today,I'm not afraid
I know I can let go:
There's only so much I can hold onto.
Today,I know
I face the uncertainty.
And when the white light comes today,
Today,I shall surrender.
Forever.

*Dedicated to all the family members and loved ones of people who have been unfortunate to be struck by a terminal disease.Dedicated to their strength to bear,carry,encourage and survive through the worst.

04-06-2010

It's been 1 year,5 months and 21 days.
And I still miss you just as much.
To all those who say time heals wounds - it doesn't.It's a wonderful phrase to say when you have no other words of comfort.But really,it doesn't.Time just distances you from an event and a person.It tries and fades memories and all that you cling to.But it heals no wounds.It just deludes you and fools you into believing otherwise.
I was playing with Odie today.Splashing water,fooling around.Laughing like a kid.I felt so carefree.And when I laughed,it came from within.Not like the hollow laugh that does light my eyes,but not from within.And then there was this really big pain inside when I remembered our last Holi together.It was just like that...throwing water on each other...I didn't cry.Of course I couldnt.Mom was there.I was laughing.And the next moment I was feeling guilty.
I miss you.This life,I feel guilty about it.I can't stop thinking why or how.I can't stop wishing that if it had to be someone,then why not me?I have done nothing to deserve this life.But you were such a precious person.Such a wonderful son,intelligent student,all rounder.A friend everyone envied.A brother I couldnt have asked more from.A terrible singer and those horrible tunes you played.Everyone needs you.No matter how much we try to hide it from others and from our own selves,we need you.
It's completely removed my faith from "God".All those things people say about "God is testing you when he puts you through tough times"...I don't need that.I never wanted a God.Never wanted his help or him to doubt my faith in him.Why test us for that?
I read this book called "Pure Evil" today,written by a mother whose 25 year old son was hacked to death by his girlfriend.She described the pain and agony the family went through during the trials.She said she couldn't describe it and noone would understand it till they themselves had gone through it.A year back,neither would I.When she wrote about her daughter's speech in the memorial service held for her son,I cried.
I just wanted to let you know how much I loved you and appreciated your presence in my life.Regret,remorse is killing me.
And I miss you.